dive into sunshine

i want nothing more than to be on the beach with my family right now!

Owen Berlyn Miller

Ever since the day Owen was born, I have been so excited to share my birth story. It was one of the most challenging, beautiful, painful, spiritual experiences of my life. Nothing can compare. 

*Before I start, I have to state that before this date, I had NO indication that i was anywhere near labor. I was actually quite upset about it, and was almost convinced Owen would live in my uterus forever. I had no contractions, nothing. I did everything in the book of inducing labor, EVERYTHING! Trust me, the baby will just come when he is ready to come. But while you're waiting, take nice long baths and relax. Take off work (I worked up until my due date) and pamper yourself! Don't over do it because the next few weeks of your life are about to be almost unbearably overwhelming with everything BUT "you" time. Ok, here we go.

Sunday March 3, 2013 - the day before my due date

I woke up at 7 am sharp with my first ever contraction. I sat straight up and waited to see if more came but deep down I knew they would. I knew this was it. When I got the next one exactly 15 minutes later, I woke Klay up and calmly stated, "Just so you know i'm having contractions and I'm pretty sure this is it!" He processed that information and asked what I wanted/ felt like I needed to do. I told him I really wanted to take Charlie to this park we had been meaning to take him to. (Yes, Charlie is my first child/the toddler. I had to give him his last true mommy and me time before I left him for a few days!) 

I was determined to not jinx my progress, so I drove us to the park through my contractions. We got there, hiked down in and threw sticks to Charlie while I breathed through my contractions 8 minutes apart. 

side note: my contractions felt nothing like anyone said they would and I actually didnt know for sure they were contractions as everyone said I would! They didn't feel like a tightening fist or menstrual cramps. They just HURT. Also, I never had the painless Braxton Hicks, or any low pain contractions. The first one I woke up to was pretty painful! ok moving on.

We decided to go home so Klay could nap a bit because I was pretty sure this was it. He tried to sleep but of course, he couldn't. I wanted to wait as long as I could before I went to the hospital so I decided to bake a red velvet cake! All of a sudden my contractions were 2.5 minutes apart and I got real scared! I knew I was at atleast a 3 (i had been checked 5 days before) so I "woke" Klay up and told him it was time to go. I wanted to bring my cake to the hospital for the nurses but I realized too late that I had no icing and that was kinda weird. We covered it with tin foil, grabbed my hospital bag, put Charles in the car and we were off!

On the way to my parents', I tried to get a hold of my father to see if he could give me a blessing before we went in. He was at church/unreachable and my contractions were getting increasingly more painful so we got a hold of Klay's dad and he agreed to rush home so he could give me a father's blessing. I prayed my contractions would slow down because i could handle them walking/standing/squating but sitting was terrible. By the time we had gotten to the Miller's my contractions had slowed down a lot and I was able to enjoy my sweet blessing. This was it! We were on our way to Banner Gateway to have our baby!

By now it was about 11am, 4 hrs in to my labor. We checked in and it was pretty obvious I was in pain. The lady checking us in just loved Klay and was flirting with him as she brought up my preregistration. I could hardly listen to anything she said, much less answer any questions. They finally got me in and we were ready to go! Turns out my water was leaking and I was now at almost a 4, so good enough to be admitted. They got us all checked in and brought us to our room. Our nurse got us settled and told us to go on a walk. At this point i'm sore, in pain, huge and leaking, so... the walk was real fun! 

After four hours of walking, i went back to get checked. I had to lay down to do so, and when I did that I realized I was soo tired. I didn't want to get up anymore. I wanted to nap. As i was laying down my contractions became unbearable. My goal was to do this natural and now at 8 hours in I was in so much pain I couldn't speak and started to cry. Not fun! Little did i know i had 10+ hrs to go! When she checked me and told me I was only a 5, I almost lost it. I turned to Klay and through another contraction I told him I needed pain meds. I didn't want to say an epidural because I had aspired and researched and done so much to avoid that! I called my nurse and requested pain medication and she went to get me some. When returned, I asked her what it was exactly. She explained to me it was a narcotic that would dull the pain but not take it away completely. I asked her if it would go to the baby and she said it would. I looked at Klay and I could tell we both did not feel good about this, so I asked her about an epidural. We decided that this was the best choice and I felt such a feeling of peace come over me, I knew this was the correct decision. I am so thankful for that.

We had been warned to tell them that we wanted an epi 20 minutes before it became unbearable because thats how long it would take the dr. to get there and administer it. We were blessed to have decided when we did because the anesthesiologist was on his way to a surgery that would make it an hour before he could get to me, but he decided to stop by and give it to me on the way. I was so happy! but also so nervous. I had read so many horror stories about epidurals and I didn't want to experience that. All of a sudden a man from my ward, Brother Dahl, walked in. "Oh hey Keisha!" ..... here i am, hunched over, bearing my butt nakedness, awaiting one of the scariest things I had ever heard of and someone from my ward is here to visit me?? Then i realized, he is an anesthesiologist! MY anesthesiologist! YAY! I introduced him to Klay and he talked us through the whole thing, it was perfection. I knew that he was a great man and I was in safe hands. I couldn't have asked for a more tender mercy.

My epidural was heaven. I could move my legs, but had no pain. Pure childbearing bliss! I spend the next few hours progressing, hanging out with my husband, watching movies and taking a nap. I am so happy I was able to receive an epidural and spend that little break with my husband, just enjoying the whole experience! That time was so special to me.

Around 6:30 my nurse came to check me, I was at an 8. I was 11.5 hours in and we weren't sure when my water broke so to avoid infection, they told me if i didn't progress within the next few hours, they would give me pitocin to help me along. At 9:30 I was still at an 8 so they gave me pitocin and I progressed to a 10 pretty quickly but decided to rest because I didn't have the urge to push yet! Slowly but surely my pain with the contractions was starting to come back. That sucked. My legs became numb, and pushing my epi button didn't help so I was pretty much on my own at that point. around 11 or 12 (I had stopped checking the time, because it was depressing how long this was taking.) I started to push, even though I didn't have the urge. It. Was. So. Hard. Owen's head is so large, and we knew it. After about an hour of pushing I admitted to the nurse that his head was really big and I didn't think it was going to come through my pelvis. She said she felt it, and "its small" so to keep trying... I knew it wasn't... but I look at that as a blessing because I wanted, more than anything, to deliver vaginally. What she was really feeling was the swollen cap of his head, not the actual circumference! Yikes!  

side note: about 3 weeks before I delivered I had an ultrasound where my dr. measured his head. It was 3 weeks ahead of the rest of his body! and basically he said would like to schedule a c-section at 39 weeks. He didn't even think I should try to deliver vaginally! That broke my heart. I felt disappointed and useless. I declined his offer because I knew they would monitor his heartbeat and if he went into distress they could rush me into a c-section. I knew I had to try. ALSO, if your dr offers you this, please prayerfully consider your options! My dr. is a great guy but OBs are known to offer c-sections because its easier and more profitable for them. and to be quite honest, a lot of ladies prefer the convenience of knowing when their going in. DON'T be bullied into it if it is not something you're interested in. Our bodies are amazing and very very capable!

I pushed for another hour and a half. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed and soon, after every contraction I was telling Klay that no way in hell was I pushing again. I was done, I was giving up. No more. He isn't coming. I could tell by the nurse's reaction to my pushes that they really weren't doing much. I kept pushing against my own will and eventually, by no doing of my own - it was a literal miracle - I got Owen's head past my pelvis. Now the real fun starts. Every muscle in your entire body is urging you to push this baby out with every ounce of strength you've got. The nurse then says "Ohp, wait! Hold him in, the Dr. will be here in 20 minutes."

No.

No no no no no, this baby is coming out. He has to, everything in me is telling me to get this baby out of me. (Owen's heartrate, by yet another miracle, stayed stable this entire time by the way! If they had seen any sort of acceleration/ deceleration I would've been whisked away to a c-section) I was telling the nurse and everyone there to get someone, anyone, I absolutely did not care who delivered my baby, he was coming. After what was most definitely an eternity, the nurse announced that the Dr. was in the parking lot! He ran in, and said "alright, start pushing!" as he got scrubbed in. Owen was there in a push and a half. 

Time stopped.

but nope, not in that dreamy way everyone describes when they talk about the delivery of their baby.
This is a little hard for me to admit but I feel the need to, in case anyone has a similar experience and needs to know that its ok to feel this way.
It wasn't pure bliss. I wasn't overwhelmed with happiness. The pain didnt melt away. I could hardly think straight, it felt like a dream. They put Owen on me and I was like "what..... in the world is this....?" Everyone kept saying "He is so big!" and it was really confusing me because to me, he was so small... and he was mine? I have to take care of him!? Oh man. I gave O to Klay so he could get cleaned up and get his evaluations. All i knew at that point was I was still in a lot of pain. Don't get me wrong, I was so happy and I love Owen so much, but I really had to sort through all my other feelings before I could begin to process that information. He did perfect in his evaluations, got a 9 on both APGAR scores. 

From that point, we both got cleaned up and I was reintroduced to my beautiful baby boy.

Owen Berlyn Miller

born at 1:38am on Monday March 4th, 2013 

9lbs 1oz and 21.5 inches long.

I loved him so much. I loved Klay so much. Klay was incredible throughout the whole process, by the way. He held my hand, supported every decision I made, got me ice chips and never once asked me, "Are you ok?" (NO!) Watching Klay get to know his sweet son was so special to me. I'm not afraid to admit that it took me a while longer to really let it set in that Owen was my baby. I feel like at times like this I am WAY too realistic and have to analyze everything before I can figure out how I truly feel about it. That's just me, and there's nothing wrong with that. I was never negative, just neutral. Breastfeeding was really difficult for me, Owen wouldnt sleep anywhere but in my arms (still, haha) and the first few weeks were really hard. but I wouldn't have it any other way. Each and every day I get to wake up with the surest foundation that I love my son so much and every day for the rest of my life I will wake up loving him even more than the day before. He is so special to me and I am so thankful I was able to have such beautiful miracle of a birthing experience. I would not change a thing about it! Being a mom is the sweetest, most beautiful and unexplainable joy. I am so blessed!

"Yay its Friday! Oh wait, I'm a mom."

That is how i feel today.
Weekends are my least favorite these days. We are always soo busy and Klay works weekend nights right now so we are on completely opposite schedules then! Not fun, but we are so thankful for his hard work and for all the time he IS able to spend with our family!

Today we were able to sneak away for a bit and go to the pool for an hour while Grandma and Grandpa Miller watched Owen and Charles. It was fun, we even got to hold hands for a minute on our way into the pool! Klay slept and i did my laps. The pool is our favorite right now.

I'm obsessed with this honey greek yogurt i found at Trader Joe's! $4.99 for a bil ol' tub and it is delicious. The consistancy is amazing and it went so good with my breakfast this morning! My green shake always ends up more pink/purple because i cant help but add in some frozen berries each time YUM!
The rest of the days meals are usually a blur, lately: quiona, a banana, another shake, ie whatever i can shove in my mouth and clean up while Klay holds Owen between feedings. Luckily our house is usually pretty stocked with the good stuff!

introduction

My intentions for this blog are still up in the air, so wheres a girl to start?!

 I'm a 21 year old LDS momma of one beautiful, perfect, incredibly special little man cub. Within the last year, me and my now-husband have become engaged, pregnant, married, roommates, fur parents to our golden retriever Charlie, and mom and dad to our son Owen... in that order! It has been, by far, the best year of my life. I'm not sure how it would have gone without the gospel (horribly, i can assume!) but luckily we didn't have to find out! We are extremely blessed in every aspect of our lives. We live in Mesa near the LDS temple, love our ward, our jobs (Klay works at the hospital and i'm a full time stay-at-home-momma) and each other. We spend our days exploring, talking and just generally enjoying each others company no matter what we're doing! These days you can usually find us at one of our in-laws houses, at the pool, at the mall or grocery shopping at the local farmer's market. Recently we have become very interested in clean eating and the basics of raw veganism. I have even been working out a tiny bit at the local pool... what?? We've been messing around with new recipes and finding ways to get the most out of our youth, but aren't at the point where we could classify ourselves as vegan or full-time clean eaters. I'm assuming that will come with time. Nutrition has always been important to us, but recently even more so as I'm now the soul provider of nutrients for Owen - Breast is Best! (yes i'm one of those women) and have found myself in a completely different body after pregnancy. I'm assuming these posts will gear toward our fitness and health goals, if not just updates of our lives, so i will continue to say that my new body completely freaked me out. I have boobs. I have curves. Its craziness! At first i HATED it and longed for my prepregnancy body, but now I think its kind of beautiful and awesome! I do have excess weight to shed, which will come with time, but my body is so incredible. It has done everything I have asked it to do in regards to carrying, nurturing, birthing and feeding my sweet baby. I couldn't be more thankful for that. Anyways I'm hoping these posts will do well to keep anyone who is interested up to date on our lives!